There is probably no greater problem facing parents than dealing with angry adolescents and teenagers. Anger and learning to deal with anger is a necessary and important part of growing up. Rather than rely on techniques to manage your angry child, it seems to help a lot of parents if they understand what makes children act that way.

What children tell you is not necessarily the whole truth but there is always an element of truth. Just listening to your child and understanding what makes them angry can help in most cases. You don’t have to agree with your child but it helps to just listen and show your child that you care.

There can be no simple solution when facing an angry child. It is not fair or even effective to expect parents to avoid upsetting their child. Once your child gets angry, you can’t always make it better. But unfortunately parents can make it worse and even reinforce angry behavior if they shout, insult or argue back. Sometimes the best we can do is to not make it worse and then deal with a child’s anger at a better time in a fair and effective manner. Giving children a consequence later when you are not upset and they are not upset is always best. They may get upset later but at least your punishment was not given out of anger. Children are less likely to "get even" later if you don’t punish them when you are angry.

Children typically have a lot of expectations that they have not examined rationally. Changing our expectations is not easy – especially when we are used to getting what we want. But in point of fact, the best time to explore your child’s expectations are not when they are upset. Lecturing an upset child or anyone who is upset for that matter is not a "teachable moment". Exploring and gently challenging a child’s expectations when they are calm is best. The key is to explore your child’s expectations before they get upset and then help correct any errors.

Some children are just plain temperamental no matter what you do. Others kids are easily frustrated no matter what happens. But the underlying reason is almost always this. Children become angry when they are frustrated and they assume they are being picked on, treated unfairly or made to feel bad on purpose. They get angry because anger is often the only way they know how to escape or avoid feeling sad, hurt, afraid or out of control. Blaming others and ignoring their own behavior is a clear sign of an insecure child. Insecure children with low self-esteem feel better when they are angry and blaming other people. Any child who is extremely angry at their self can become self-destructive, create failure or think about suicide. It is a sad reality but anger at the world is not nearly as depressing as feeling like a failure with no excuses.

copyright 2003 to 2005, Michael G. Conner